When I was the same height as I am now and 105 pounds lighter my Grammy was so excited that I was so thin that she took me out shopping. I was depressed and spent most of my time sleeping and not eating.
It’s a struggle all the time to want to lose weight and be happy with who I am. Depending on the day I’m either a babe or the most horrid thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. I think about how I’d love to be 50 pounds lighter, but in a way where I’m toned. I never want to be as thin as I was back then. It was a very unhealthy time in my life and when I think about being that thin it just reminds me of how unhappy I was.
I’ve been losing weight, but half the time it’s because I’m either too hot to eat, depressed and sleeping my day away, or working and don’t have the time. I try to make the time, but on the days I work sometimes it’s just not in the cards to eat more than once sometimes twice. On my days off however I make sure to have at least three meals, snacking on fruit or hummus between. I even use weed to get myself to eat. I’m working really hard on having healthy snacks around so when I do want to snack my only choices are good ones.
Lately the way I feel about myself has been bad; having those thoughts where if I was just this, or if I was just that, if I did this differently, then I’d be desirable.
In the end it’s me though. I’m projecting all of the negative things I feel about myself onto what I think others think of me; creating more distance, because if I reject the idea that I’m someone worthy of other people’s love and time first, they can’t do it.
I’m lonely because I’m alone, because I choose to be. No one to blame but myself, and I’m not sure if that makes it easier or harder to deal with.